If You’re Self‑Cared‑Out: How to Move from Doing to Being Seen
You’ve done the rituals — the colouring‑in, the bubble bath, the breaths, the affirmations. And yet, you still feel drained.
In a recent conversation on A Thought I Kept, I asked psychologist and author Suzy Reading: “What is the one thought you have kept?” Suzy’s answer: “I am someone worth caring for.” And in that simple sentence lies the pivot many of us need — from checking the self‑care box to stepping into the kind of care we might be missing.
1. The Self‑Care Loop: When Doing Becomes Disconnection
Suzy begins the conversation by admitting that it was a “very dreary Friday” and she hadn’t had her usual morning walk to clear the jangly energy. Yet here she was, making space for the conversation and acknowledging the discomfort.
“I’ve got some jangly energy going on too … but you know, we make space for it and it’s all right for it to be here.”
That’s the thing. We often rush into another self‑care “thing” to fix the feeling, rather than giving ourselves permission to simply have the feeling.
If you’re someone who’s been doing self‑care, but still feels numb, overwhelmed or disconnected, consider this: maybe it isn’t more rituals you need — but a different relationship to care.
2. Worthy of Care: The Thought that Changed Everything
At its core, Suzy’s inquiry reveals something many of us never gave ourselves permission to believe: I am someone worth caring for.
She traces that thought back to her late teens and how it’s marks key turning points — a knee injury in her competitive ice‑skating days, becoming a mother, losing her father.
In each, the practice shifted from “perform better” to “treat myself as though I’m worth care” because, as she said:
“If you don’t do that, you’re not going to be here anymore.”
For those feeling burnout, disconnected or emotionally exhausted — the very phrase says this: you do not have to wait until you’ve earned care. You are already worth it.
3. The Barrier: Selflessness, “Not‑Enough”, and Silence of Needs
Why is this so hard? Suzy outlines layers upon layers of cultural messaging:
A “good baby” is one who doesn’t cry. How does that shape how we regard feelings?
A “good child” is one who doesn’t question adults. How does that influence advocating for ourselves?
Women especially carry messages of being selfless, resilient, productive, grateful. In the process our feelings and needs become invisible.
“You mustn’t be selfish. You must be selfless… our own personhood, turning attention inwards … feels shame‑inducing.”
So if you feel lost, exhausted, invisible — it might be less about you doing more and more about you giving yourself permission to need and receive. The blankness you feel might be the space where your needs weren’t asked, seen or met.
4. Self‑Advocacy: The Relational Layer of Self‑Care
Here’s where it deepens: self‑care is not just about self‑soothing or solo rituals. Suzy gently expands it to include receiving care and asking for what you need.
She offers real, grounded advice:
Practice asking with “safe people” first.
Instead of “I don’t mind where we go,” say “Here’s a place I’d enjoy. What about you?”
Be clear: “I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. Would you help me?"
For anyone feeling disconnected — this is an invitation to turn invisible needs into visible requests. To start the conversation with yourself and others. To move from surviving to being supported.
5. Overwhelm, Midlife & the Invitation to Receive
If you’ve been pushing through for years, if you’re mid‑life and your body is starting to whisper (or shout) “slow down”, you might realise the old methods aren’t working. Suzy shares:
“I could muscle my way through anything … until my body said sweetheart you cannot just railroad and muscle your way through everything.”
And so we pivot. We honour the winter seasons of life. We ask:
What have I weathered?
What do I need now?
Can I allow someone to help?
At the close of the episode, Suzy gives a simple but potent practice: every time you sip water (or tea, or whatever you have), place a hand on your heart and say: “I am someone worthy of care.” Use it as a daily touchpoint.
“Where am I at? What do I need?”
Because relational wellbeing isn’t a luxury, it’s a lifeline.
6. What You Can Do Right Now
If you’re reading this and you feel drained, disconnected or simply over it — try this:
1. Pause for one minute, put a hand on your heart and say: “I am someone worth caring for.”
2. Write down one need you have today. (No judgement.)
3. Make one gentle request from someone you trust. It could be: “Would you hold space for me for 10 minutes this week?” or “Could you help me with X so I don’t burn out?”
4. Listen to the episode of A Thought I Kept where Suzy and I unpack all this in vivid detail. (Link below.)
5. If you feel comfortable, share this page or the podcast with someone you trust — being seen is the other half of caring.
If Suzy’s thought — “I am someone worthy of care” — stirred something in you, our Coaching Sessions are here to help you gently unpack those feelings, reconnect with your needs, and practice the relational skills of self-advocacy.
Whether you're overwhelmed, self-cared-out, or simply seeking a safe space to feel seen, we’re here.
