If Lost Start Here is a guide for the anxious, curious, lonely and lost. Featuring everyday places and at-home prompts designed to help you live a life that feels good.
Urban Confessional:
In Conversation With Founder Benjamin Mathes
One day in 2012, I was walking down the street and a homeless man asked for money. I turned to him and offered to LISTEN instead. I saw how the simple act of listening was not only a gift to him, but a gift to me. In that moment we were both restored. A few days later, along with a group of friends, we decided to walk over to a nearby train station and hold up signs that read FREE LISTENING. We stood there and just listened, truly listened, to strangers tell us anything they wanted— it was a judgment-free zone. The experience was magical and that’s how the Urban Confessional Free Listening Movement began.” — Benjamin Mathes
Why is listening so important? Why make that your starting point?
Listening is the heart of a relationship. When we make ourselves available to the mystery of the other person, we stop controlling, we stop manipulating, and we start accepting them just as they are. Being seen, being known, and being loved all begin with being heard. When we listen without prejudice, people tend to open up in ways that reveal their deepest, truest selves. That’s when we can truly see a person, know a person, and love a person.
The art of communication begins with listening. When we hear with another person’s ears and from their perspective, we can speak with empathy and compassion, difficult truths can be delivered with love, and relationships can grow.
Why do you feel like so many of us don’t feel heard at the moment?
Our world has done a great job at cultivating half of a conversation. Social media and similar platforms have made it easy for anyone to share their voice— this is a great thing, but it’s only half of a conversation.
I think we’ve so prioritized speaking over listening that we’ve forgotten that unless the speaking is received, it’s not really communication, it’s only shouting.
Eventually, people get tired of listening to the noise, and yet, people keep shouting and wonder why they don’t feel heard.
How do you get people to talk to you? It’s intimidating for many of us just to talk.
With an opening of your heart. Listening is a posture. When you offer another person your attention and presence, there is a sense of safety that allows them to open up. There are more practical ways, too. There are different types of questions you can ask a person to help them open up. Open-Ended Questions like How are you doing? or Where are you from? are a great way to begin a conversation with someone. Once a person has opened up and shared part of their story with you, you can ask Clarifying Questions like When did this happen? or How old were you? to clarify points of a person’s story and to guide them into sharing more of their story with you. If you notice that someone is nervous or hesitant to talk about something, then you can ask Leading Questions like How is your relationship with your wife now? or Have you been looking for work lately? to encourage them to continue talking about a difficult topic.
But, mostly, it is an open-heart posture.
Why do you think the idea has gained so much traction and spread so widely?
People are in a desperate search for connection. And many people are lonely. Listening brings us into closeness with one another. It lessens the distance between people and provides the opportunity for deep understanding. We need more of that right now.
How do you stay truly non-judgmental and create a safe space for someone to share?
When we practice Free Listening, we have to remind ourselves that we are not there to change anyone’s mind. Get a person’s story, and hear their heart. If someone says something that you do not agree with or that you find distasteful, ask How did you arrive at this opinion? Search yourself for a greater understanding and simply be there for the person you are listening to. When we get a person’s biography, not just the ideology, we can learn to hear the person and not just the opinion.
So many of us are longing for human connection after the past few years. How has Urban Confessional had to shift its work in response to the Covid-19 Pandemic?
It’s been difficult with the pandemic. We’ve had to shift things to a more virtual presence, and have had to temporarily restructure the way we participate in Free Listening for the health and safety of our listeners and speakers.
We’ve set up virtual listening on our website: Be Heard Now. Anyone in need of being heard, can visit our website and virtually connect by sending us a voice message through SpeakPipe. Anyone who sends a voice message is connected to a Free Listening volunteer who will listen and respond to their message. All messages are confidential and vetted by our Director of Free Listening, Chiara, in the event someone experiencing a mental health crisis reaches out. It’s rare that this happens, but when it does, it is taken care of by our team rather than our volunteers, and we always refer the person to professional resources.
Our Free Listening volunteers are truly incredible. They respond with such care and are truly interested in listening and creating a safe space for the other person. It’s really inspiring.
What impact do you think it’s having on the listeners? What shifts do people who listen see in themselves?
We have found that engaging strangers with open ears and open hearts is life-giving. People who experience Free Listening, as a listener, tend to feel happier, more relaxed, and like they are giving back to the community. We’ve had volunteers tell us their faith in humanity feels restored after practicing Free Listening. It’s an act of service, and it typically restores our sense of gratitude.
Here are a few snippets from accounts Free Listening volunteers have sent us, which I think are pretty telling:
“I was only there to listen, and boy did he have a lot to say. It was one of the most enjoyable hours I have had and it was spent with a stranger.”
“It was such a sober and beautiful honor to hold space for this man and to give him the experience of being seen.”
“This was the first time I spoke in depth with a homeless person. I’ll never be the same.”
What does the future look like for you? Where do you want to take this?
I genuinely feel we are stewards of this movement, and as such, we’re not ‘taking’ it anywhere. We simply continue to practice and support others in their practice of Free Listening— it goes wherever it is taken!
4 Tips for Better Listening with Urban Confessional Founder Benjamin Mathes
Imbalanced Conversation
Listening does not mean that you are silent. You are having an imbalanced conversation where most of the talking is coming from the person you are listening to. But feel free to ask questions, offer verbal understanding, and most of all, empathetically agree.
No Barriers
It is imperative that the speaker feel they have your entire attention. When someone approaches you, put your sign down and keep your arms uncrossed when possible. This sends the message that you are no longer available for anyone else and that you have committed to the person in front of you. Also, never use your phone or other devices, and avoid waving at or engaging with anyone else during your time with someone. The chance to have all of someone’s attention is a rare event.
Empathetic Agreement
We are not here to change anyone’s mind. Avoid disagreeing with the speaker. If someone is saying things that you do not agree with or you find distasteful, search yourself for a greater understanding, smile, and be there for them. If they ask for your opinion simply say, “I’m only here to listen, but I think it’s very interesting,” or redirect the discussion back to them by complementing their intellect or passion for the issue. Then ask what else they are passionate about.
Respect The Silence
When moments of silence happen, allow them to happen. Resist the urge to fill the silence. It is often in these moments that the person will say what they have been scared to say, the thing that is weighing heaviest on their hearts. Stay there for them in the silence, and be patient. Let them fill it.
To find out more:
Website: www.urbanconfessional.com | Instagram: @urbanconfessional | Twitter: @urbanconfessional