Why Is It So Hard to Validate Ourselves?
A few years ago, I was talking to a coaching client about a project she had recently completed at work. It had gone well by every measure available. The feedback was positive, her colleagues were happy, and her manager had praised her contribution. As we talked about it, I asked a simple question: "So how do you feel about it?"
She paused for a moment before replying, "I don't know. No one's told me yet."
It was one of those answers that stayed with me because it captured something many of us experience but rarely say out loud. So often, we are waiting for someone else to tell us how to feel about ourselves. We wait for the compliment, the approval, the performance review, the invitation, the praise, the message that confirms we are doing a good job, making the right choice, or becoming the person we hope to be.
When those moments arrive, they can feel wonderful. There is relief in being recognised and comfort in being seen. Yet for many people, the feeling never lasts for long. The compliment fades. The praise is forgotten. The promotion becomes the new normal. Before long, we find ourselves searching for the next piece of evidence that we are okay.
If this sounds familiar, you are far from alone.
When Other People's Opinions Carry More Weight Than Our Own
Many of the people I work with in coaching are thoughtful, capable and deeply caring individuals. From the outside, they often appear confident and successful. Yet inside, they are carrying a constant question: Am I doing enough? Am I enough? They look to other people for the answer because trusting their own judgement feels surprisingly difficult.
What fascinates me is that this isn't usually a problem of confidence. More often, it is a problem of trust.
Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that other people's opinions carried more weight than our own. Perhaps praise was linked to achievement. Perhaps approval felt conditional. Perhaps there wasn't much room for our feelings, perspectives or needs growing up. Perhaps we discovered that being liked felt safer than being honest, or that getting things right earned connection and belonging.
Whatever the origin, the result can be the same. We begin to treat other people as the experts on our lives while becoming increasingly disconnected from our own authority.
The difficulty is that no amount of external validation can fully solve that problem. If you don't trust your own perspective, even the most generous praise struggles to land. It might make you feel better for an afternoon or a few days, but eventually the doubt returns and the search begins again.
What Are We Really Looking For?
One of the most helpful shifts I have seen in coaching comes when we stop focusing on validation itself and become curious about what sits underneath it.
Because validation is rarely the thing we are actually seeking.
When we long for reassurance from another person, what we are often looking for is something deeper. Sometimes it is safety. We want to know we haven't made a mistake. Sometimes it is belonging. We want to know we still have a place in the group. Sometimes it is certainty in an uncertain situation. Sometimes it is visibility. We want someone to notice how hard we have been trying. Sometimes it is worth. We want proof that we matter.
When we begin to understand the need beneath the validation, something softens. Instead of criticising ourselves for being needy, insecure or dependent on what other people think, we can approach ourselves with curiosity. We can ask what it is we are really hoping someone else's approval will give us.
That question often opens an entirely different conversation.
From Self-Validation to Self-Trust
I think this is why the language of self-validation can sometimes feel unhelpful. It can sound like another thing we should be doing better. Another wellbeing task to add to the list. Another reason to feel we are falling short.
What if the goal wasn't to become completely self-validating? What if the goal was simply to begin trusting ourselves a little more?
Not more than everyone else. Just enough that our own voice gets a seat at the table.
Letting Your Experience Count
Many people assume that self-trust means being certain all the time. In reality, it often looks much quieter than that. It is being willing to acknowledge your effort before someone else notices it. It is recognising when you have handled something well, even if there is no applause. It is allowing your experience to count as evidence. It is asking yourself what you think before immediately turning to someone else for an answer.
This isn't about becoming immune to feedback or pretending other people's perspectives don't matter. Relationships matter. Community matters. Being seen matters. We are human beings, not islands.
The invitation is simply to stop outsourcing your entire sense of worth and direction to people who can never fully know what it is like to be you.
The people who love you can offer encouragement. They can reflect your strengths back to you. They can remind you of things you have forgotten. What they cannot do is build the relationship you have with yourself.
Building a Different Relationship with Yourself
That work happens slowly, often through hundreds of small moments. Moments when you pause before seeking reassurance. Moments when you acknowledge your own effort. Moments when you choose to believe your experience rather than immediately questioning it. Moments when you allow yourself to be both uncertain and trustworthy at the same time.
If you are someone who constantly seeks validation from others, perhaps the question is not, "How do I stop needing reassurance?" Perhaps the question is, "What need am I hoping reassurance will meet, and how might I begin meeting some of that need myself?"
That feels like a gentler place to begin. It is certainly a more compassionate one.
And from that place, it becomes possible to build something far more sustainable than confidence. It becomes possible to build trust.
Explore Emotions Coaching
If you recognise yourself in this story, emotions coaching can help you understand why external validation feels so important, what needs sit beneath it, and how to build a steadier relationship with your own voice.
Together, we'll explore the emotional patterns that keep you second-guessing yourself, learn what your emotions are trying to tell you, and help you move forward with greater self-trust, clarity and confidence.
Because the goal isn't to stop caring what other people think. It's to make sure your opinion matters too.