It Started With a Girl Who Learned Not to Feel
When I think about how I ended up doing this work, helping people understand their emotions, reconnect with themselves and navigate life's more uncertain moments, I could start with coaching qualifications, books, podcasts or businesses. But the truth is, it started much earlier than that. It started with a girl who learned not to feel.
Not consciously, of course. I don't remember making a decision one day that emotions were unwelcome. I simply learned, as many of us do, which feelings seemed acceptable and which ones were better kept hidden.
Growing up in Manchester in the 1980s, "I'm fine" was a useful phrase. It helped conversations move on. It prevented awkwardness. It stopped people worrying. It allowed me to carry on with whatever needed doing. Looking back, I can see that it became less of an answer and more of an identity. I wasn't someone who felt things deeply. I wasn't someone who needed help. I wasn't someone who made a fuss. At least, that was the story I told myself.
The problem with not feeling isn't that difficult emotions disappear. It's that everything else starts to disappear too. When we disconnect from sadness, we often disconnect from joy. When we stop listening to fear, we stop listening to excitement. When we avoid disappointment, we can lose touch with hope. The range of emotions available to us narrows, and with it our experience of being alive.
I remember sitting with a friend in sixth form and telling her that I felt numb most of the time. Neither of us really knew what that meant. We didn't have the language for emotional wellbeing, nervous system regulation or emotional avoidance. We just knew something wasn't quite right. So I did what many of us do. I carried on.
For years, carrying on looked quite successful. I built a career in the arts. I worked in museums and galleries. I travelled. I moved countries. I achieved things I was proud of. From the outside, there was very little evidence that anything was wrong. Yet underneath all of that was a growing sense of disconnection that I couldn't quite explain.
What I understand now is that emotions don't disappear when we ignore them. They simply find other ways to get our attention. Sometimes they arrive as anxiety. Sometimes they arrive as overwhelm. Sometimes they arrive as burnout. Sometimes they arrive as a persistent sense that life feels flatter than it should. Sometimes they arrive as the uncomfortable feeling that you've become very good at living your life without fully inhabiting it.
When I look back on the people I've worked with over the years, I don't think my story is unusual. The details differ, but the pattern is familiar. There's the woman who can't stop working because slowing down feels uncomfortable. The person who takes care of everyone else but struggles to identify their own needs. The high achiever who has ticked all the boxes but feels strangely disconnected from their life. The parent who is so busy meeting everyone else's needs that they've forgotten what they enjoy. The person who says "I'm fine" before they've even considered whether they are.
Many of us learned to relate to our emotions as problems to solve rather than experiences to understand. We were taught to calm down, cheer up, toughen up, get over it, move on, look on the bright side or be grateful for what we have. Often these messages were well-intentioned. The people around us were doing the best they could with what they knew. Yet somewhere along the way, many of us absorbed the idea that difficult feelings were signs that something was wrong.
What If Our Feelings Are Trying to Tell Us Something?
One of the biggest shifts in my life came when I began to wonder whether my emotions weren't obstacles after all. What if anxiety was trying to get my attention? What if anger was highlighting a boundary? What if sadness was asking me to acknowledge a loss? What if overwhelm was revealing that something needed to change? What if our emotions are not interruptions to life but part of the conversation?
That idea changed everything for me. Not overnight and not in a neat before-and-after way. More gradually than that. I stopped asking, "How do I get rid of this feeling?" and started asking, "What is this feeling trying to tell me?" I became curious. I listened. I paid attention. Slowly, I began to reconnect with parts of myself I hadn't realised I'd lost.
This is one of the reasons I care so much about emotions now. Not because I think we should spend every waking moment analysing ourselves, but because I know what it's like to live disconnected from what you're feeling. I know what it's like to confuse coping with living. I know what it's like to spend years trying to manage your emotions rather than understand them.
Finding Our Way Back
Perhaps that's what so many of us are searching for when we say we're lost. Not a new version of ourselves. Not a perfect plan. Not a life without difficult emotions.
Perhaps we're searching for a way back into relationship with ourselves.
A way back to our needs, our hopes, our fears, our boundaries and our desires. A way back to the emotions we've spent years avoiding. A way back to the parts of ourselves we've become disconnected from in the process of trying to cope, succeed, belong or simply get through the day.
The older I get, the more I believe that wellbeing is less about fixing ourselves and more about listening to ourselves. Less about becoming someone new and more about becoming more fully who we already are.
For me, it started with a girl who learned not to feel. The work since then has been learning how to again.
Explore Emotions Coaching
Perhaps you recognise something of yourself in it. Maybe you've become very good at carrying on. Maybe you're aware that anxiety, overwhelm, numbness or frustration keep showing up, but you're not quite sure what they're trying to tell you. Or perhaps you're simply tired of feeling disconnected from yourself. If so, my emotions coaching sessions offer a space to slow down and listen.
Together, we'll explore what you're feeling, what those emotions might be pointing towards, and how you can build a different relationship with them. Not so you can get rid of difficult feelings, but so you can better understand yourself through them.
Because our emotions are often carrying important information about our needs, values, boundaries, hopes and fears. When we learn how to listen, they can help us move forwards with greater self-trust, clarity and self-compassion.
If you'd like support in making sense of what you're feeling, I'd love to help.