Your calendar is crammed, the laundry pile is overflowing, and you’re thinking about that piece of work you haven’t finished. You’ve been meaning to see your friends, but finding an evening when everyone is free has become its own small project. There are messages to reply to and something you were supposed to remember for tomorrow. And then someone asks you what makes you come alive.
You might laugh. Or feel a little irritated. Perhaps you know, but you can’t see where it would fit. Perhaps it’s been so long since you asked yourself that question that you wouldn’t know where to begin. You’re trying to get through the week, and here is another thing you seem to have misplaced somewhere between work and the washing.
I’ve been thinking about this since my conversation with clinical health psychologist and coach Dr Shawn Hondorp on A Thought I Kept. Shawn brought a quote from Howard Thurman: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go do it, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
It’s the same thought Selina Barker brought to the podcast a few months ago. That has never happened before, and briefly I wondered whether I should ask Shawn to choose something else. Then I realised that the beauty of these ideas is what we each make of them. I wanted to hear where those words had taken her, and what they might offer you if you’re feeling more numb and blah and frazzled than alive.
When your own wants are hard to hear
Shawn spoke about being attuned to other people and what they needed. People-pleasing had helped her stay connected in relationships, but she could also see how she had lost parts of herself along the way.
We might know what our children need, what’s expected at work, who we haven’t checked in with. We can find room for another person’s request even when we thought there wasn’t any room left. But ask us what we want and we might need a moment.
And sometimes, when we do know, we start talking ourselves out of it. We’d love to take that class, spend an afternoon making something, go somewhere we’ve never been. But there are other things to do first. It feels indulgent when everyone needs so much.
For Shawn, this quote helped her consider that her own desires had value too. That they could be part of how she contributed to the world.
Sometimes we want to adventure. Sometimes we want to stay.
What I loved about our conversation was that Shawn’s relationship with aliveness is still changing. She has pursued big experiences: travel, a marathon, creating retreats. But she also spoke about getting very ill after her first retreat, and how much calmer and more grounded her recent one had felt.
Now she’s asking what helps her feel nourished, emotionally and physically. She still wants adventures, but some of what she wants is smaller than she once imagined: simple moments with her children, feeling at peace, enjoying being in her life.
I found that reassuring. Because when you’re exhausted, even something you want can feel like too much. Perhaps you don’t want another challenge right now. Perhaps you want enough space to notice what you’re enjoying while you’re actually enjoying it. Aliveness might look different in this season, and we get to be curious about that too.
What if wanting more feels selfish?
There was a moment when Shawn spoke about the fear that following her desires might take her away from her family. I think many women will recognise some version of that worry. If I make more room for myself, what happens to everyone else?
What Shawn found was that she wanted to be around her children more. She felt less exhausted with them. She played more and enjoyed the simple moments. Following what mattered to her helped her feel more present in the life she already had.
Selfishness is something I hear women accuse themselves of so often, sometimes for wanting very little at all. And I wonder what we miss when we dismiss those wants before we’ve had a chance to see what they might offer.
Somewhere to begin
Shawn also shared how over-intellectualising and consuming information had sometimes helped her protect herself from pain. Through dance, she found somewhere to practise what she was learning: noticing her wish to make a good impression, then finding ways to be more herself in front of other people.
Perhaps this week we could give the question a little room, without needing an immediate answer. Notice when something interests you. When you become absorbed. When you enjoy yourself and then wonder whether you should have been doing something else. There might be something there worth coming back to.
Listen to “Ask What Makes You Come Alive” with Dr Shawn Hondorp on A Thought I Kept, wherever you get your podcasts.
And if your life is filled with all the feelings right now, more burnout than aliveness, explore here.