What If Confidence Isn't What You Need?

One of the questions I've found myself thinking about recently is this: what's something you're willing to be bad at? Not because you're naturally gifted at it. Not because you know you'll eventually master it. But because something about it feels interesting enough, hopeful enough, or alive enough that you're prepared to keep going anyway.

It's not a question we ask ourselves very often. Instead, many of us spend our energy trying not to look inexperienced, uncertain or unprepared. We polish. We perfect. We compare ourselves to people who seem effortlessly capable and quietly decide we'll begin when we feel more confident.

But what if confidence isn't actually where we begin?

That’s what I get into with this week's guest on A Thought I Kept, Sadia Ghazanfar, women's leadership and career development coach and founder of Slay Your Dragons. The thought she has carried with her for years is beautifully simple:

"Be brave enough to suck at something new."

At first it made me smile. Then it made me feel unexpectedly relieved. We live in a world that expects us not to suck. We see the outcomes of other people's efforts: the bestselling books, the polished speakers, the successful businesses, the perfect performances. What we rarely see are the years of uncertainty that came before them, the uncomfortable first attempts, the moments when someone wondered whether they should give up altogether. We're comparing our beginnings with somebody else's middle, and it's no wonder so many of us decide not to start at all.

One of my favourite moments in our conversation came when Sadia talked about confidence. So many women arrive in her coaching sessions believing confidence is what they need before they can apply for the promotion, change careers, launch the idea or finally speak up. But she sees it differently. Confidence isn't the starting point; it's the result. First comes courage. Then comes practice. Then comes competence. Confidence follows afterwards.

It's such a subtle shift, but it changes everything. Instead of waiting to feel different before we act, we allow ourselves to become different through the act of trying.

We also talked about perfectionism, another companion for so many of us. I loved Sadia's perspective that perfectionism isn't who we are; it's a behaviour that may once have protected us but perhaps no longer serves us. There's something deeply hopeful about that distinction. If perfectionism isn't our identity, then maybe we don't have to carry it forever. Maybe we can gently experiment with behaving differently instead.

As we spoke, I found myself thinking about how often uncertainty masquerades as failure. We assume that not knowing means we're on the wrong path. That feeling awkward means we shouldn't be there. That struggling is evidence we aren't capable. Yet every meaningful thing I've ever learned has begun with exactly those feelings. Coaching. Writing. Speaking. Hosting this podcast. None of them started with confidence. They all started with awkwardness, uncertainty and a willingness to keep going anyway.

Sadia also spoke openly about burnout and the pressure so many women feel to hold everything together. There was a time when she was navigating a demanding leadership role, retraining as a coach and renovating a house all at once. She kept pushing until eventually her body simply wouldn't let her anymore. It's a story that will feel familiar to many people because we often pride ourselves on coping. We tell ourselves we'll figure it out alone. We keep going because stopping feels impossible. Yet sometimes the bravest thing we can do is ask for help before our bodies ask for us.

Listening back to our conversation, I realised that "be brave enough to suck at something new" isn't really about being bad at something. It's about giving ourselves permission to be learners again. To remember that learning has always been messy. That curiosity is often more useful than certainty. That possibility only exists when we're willing to step into something we don't yet know how to do.

This podcast itself is an example of that. I started it because I'd always wanted to make a podcast. Those early episodes were wonderfully imperfect while I figured out the technology, the interviewing, the editing and the rhythm of the conversations. Perhaps they're still imperfect now. But every week I learn something. Every week I become a little more comfortable with not knowing everything. And every week I'm reminded that the joy was never in getting it right first time. It was in beginning.

So if you're arriving here today feeling unsure of yourself, wondering whether you're ready for whatever comes next, perhaps this week's thought is one to keep.

Be brave enough to suck at something new.

It may not feel elegant. It probably won't feel comfortable. But it just might be the beginning of something you couldn't have imagined yet.

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Listen to the conversation

In this episode of A Thought I Kept, Sadia Ghazanfar and I explore perfectionism, confidence, courage, burnout, emotional capacity, leadership, asking for help and why learning something new can become one of the most freeing things we ever do.

Listen to "Be Brave Enough to Suck at Something New" — Sadia Ghazanfar wherever you get your podcasts.

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Looking for support?

If this conversation resonated because you're feeling overwhelmed, stuck, burnt out or uncertain about your next step, you don't have to figure it out alone. Explore my one-to-one emotions coaching sessions and together we'll make sense of what's really going on beneath the surface, so you can move forward with greater clarity, self-compassion and courage.

Struggling With Comparison? Rethinking Confidence and Self-Trust

This is how it might go. You’re scrolling, or reading, or listening to a podcast, and you notice a flicker of feeling when someone else shares good news. A promotion. A book deal. A confident post about work they love. You’re pleased for them — genuinely — and yet something tightens. A question forms that you don’t quite want to look at too closely.

What does this mean about me?

Moments like this don’t usually come with drama. They’re small, everyday, easy to brush past. But they can linger. And over time, they shape how we see ourselves, how we show up at work, and how much space we allow ourselves to take.

This week on A Thought I Kept, I spoke to Nicky Denson-Elliott, and she brought a thought that disrupted that familiar inner pattern:

In order for me to win, no one else has to lose.

It’s one of those ideas that seems obvious when you first hear it and then quietly radical the longer you sit with it.

Because so much of our inner landscape has been shaped by the opposite belief. That success is scarce. That confidence belongs to certain people, not others. That if someone else steps forward, there’s less room for us. These ideas don’t usually announce themselves as beliefs. They show up as feelings: comparison, jealousy, self-doubt, hesitation.

Nicky spoke about how deeply this conditioning runs, especially for women. How it can shape our relationship with money, confidence, and visibility. How it influences the way we price our work — often not based on its value, but on what feels safe. How it quietly sets women against one another, even when connection and solidarity are what we most want.

What’s important here is that none of this is a personal flaw. These are not thoughts we invented. They’re learned. Reinforced. Picked up over time in workplaces, families, schools, media, and culture. When they surface, they can feel intensely personal but they rarely originate there.

And when life already feels full or uncertain, carrying these inherited ideas can make everything heavier. You might notice it in how hard you are on yourself. In the way you second-guess decisions. In the tension you feel around confidence — wanting it, distrusting it, worrying what it might cost.

One of the most grounding parts of the conversation with Nicky was her refusal to replace one set of rules with another. There was no invitation to be bolder, louder, or more confident in a performative sense. Instead, she talked about noticing. About recognising when a familiar reaction appears and asking, with curiosity rather than judgment: Is this actually mine?

That question alone can create a shift.

Because when we start to see that some of our thoughts are inherited rather than chosen, we don’t have to wrestle with them in the same way. We don’t have to argue ourselves out of feeling jealous or small or unsure. We can simply recognise the pattern, and loosen our grip.

This matters not just for our inner world, but for how we move through everyday life. Especially work. Especially relationships with other women. Especially moments where confidence feels like something other people have access to, and we’re still figuring it out.

Letting go of the myth of competition doesn’t mean pretending everything is fair or easy. It doesn’t mean denying ambition or discomfort. But it does open up a different orientation — one where someone else’s success doesn’t automatically diminish our own, and where confidence can be something we grow into, rather than something we perform.

For many of us, this kind of rethinking doesn’t arrive as a neat turning point. It shows up gradually. In small pauses. In moments where we choose not to rush to judgment — of ourselves or others. In the realisation that uncertainty doesn’t mean we’re failing; it often means we’re paying attention.

If you’ve been questioning old ideas about success, money, confidence, or what it means to be doing “well” in life, you’re not behind. You may simply be noticing that the old maps don’t quite match the terrain anymore.

Nicky’s thought offers a steadier way of orienting. It reminds us that life isn’t a zero-sum game. That generosity — toward ourselves and others — isn’t naïve, but grounding. And that self-trust doesn’t come from fixing or perfecting ourselves, but from recognising which beliefs were never designed to support us in the first place.

You don’t need to know what comes next. You don’t need to replace every thought at once. Sometimes it’s enough to notice which ideas make life feel smaller, and to wonder — without urgency — what it might be like to set one of them down.

If this resonates, listen to the full conversation with Nicky on A Thought I Kept.

And if you need help exploring some of the feelings you have around comparison — jealousy, self-doubt, hesitation — or what confidence even means to you, explore our emotions coaching sessions.